


over and over again

by kirishimaaa



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Codependency, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, F/M, Obsessive Behavior, Panic Attacks, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2020-10-24 10:14:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20704295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirishimaaa/pseuds/kirishimaaa
Summary: “Heya, Steven. Y’know what?” Spinel hisses quietly into his ear, her breath fanning against him. It makes him want to shiver."What?” Steven whispers back, figuring he should play along. Nausea flows through him, and he swallows it back, waiting.“You’re really my best, best, bestest friend.”Spinel decides to stay on earth, and Steven's empathy becomes a weakness.





	1. menagerie

**Author's Note:**

> i'll be real here, i've never shipped steven with anybody. he and connie are cute, but not enough for me to get emotionally invested, and all the gems closest to him came across like family to me, so that's a no as well. when Spinel came in, i was NOT prepared for how much i was into it :') 
> 
> a warning for anyone who needs it: this isn't healthy. and in future chapters, it's only going to get worse. if you don't like this sort of thing, or if it effects you negatively, PLEASE don't bother reading!

Steven, despite his building exhaustion and readiness for this entire ordeal to be forgotten about, took his time properly introducing Spinel to his friends and family. The _actual_ Spinel, not the, uh, crazed murderer and/or attempted world-ender. A fresh start!

They were understanding, heck, even _welcoming_, considering she’d tried to obliterate the entire planet hours earlier. 

Spinel is...awkward. Also understandable, so he’d simply share a knowing look with the person he was introducing her to when she’d stare down at the pointed ends of her shoes and mumble out a half-hearted greeting. Her arms held tight against his bicep the entire time, nearly constricting. 

It worsens when his dad holds out his hand to her, offering a handshake, his grin welcoming. She stares down at it, and then looks up at Steven, brow scrunching. 

He leans in close and whispers, “You’re fine. He only wants to shake your hand.”

That doesn’t make her guarded expression soften. If anything, she looks more reluctant. It catches him off-guard. Considering his dad’s strained smile, Steven isn't the only one feeling the tense atmosphere.

“It’s something friends do,” He tries one last time, a last-ditch effort, but a strong one. All she wanted was friends. She has to get it now, right? “Isn’t it, dad?”

“Er, yep!” His dad replies quickly, only a smidgen of awkwardness included.

Spinel’s expression shifts, her eyes flitting to him. For a second, Steven has real hope. 

Her arm snags against him, and he yelps when his hand is suddenly _snatched_ from his jacket pocket and gripped by the gem in question. Her hold on him goes gentle when she notices the pained look he has, but she doesn’t look like she regrets doing it one bit, nor does she let go when he tries pulling back. 

“S-Spinel? What’re you, uh, doing?” 

“Shaking _your_ hand, silly!” There it was. That bouncy, lilting tone she seems to never use on anyone _but_ Steven. She grins widely, all white teeth and dimpled cheeks. “Somethin’ wrong with that?”

“Well, no, but you were supposed to-” He stops and glances at his dad, who looks just as helplessly confused as he felt. “Dad offered you one. What about him?”

Spinel pauses, and so does Steven’s breathing. A look of pure, unadulterated _disgust_ flickers across her face, like she’d just smelled something foul. The brief look she sent over to his dad is dismissive at best, and repulsed at worst.

“You...you don’t want me shaking your hand?” 

“What? No, I–“

“You don’t wanna touch me? You–you find me _gross_?” Her voice cracks. 

“N-no, Spinel, listen!”

“Are you tired of me already?” A scratchiness to her speech, from the bottom of her throat, like tears are just waiting for the opportunity to fall. One hand clenches into her hair, threatening to yank. “Gee, I...I thought it would at least be a day before my best friend _hated_ me…”

“No!” Steven rushes to say, and it comes out too loud. Her bottom lip trembles. Swallowing, he tries again, “No, no, Spinel, it’s not that! It’s...actually, nevermind. You can shake my hand, see?”

He quickly shakes her hand, keeps at it until she begins reciprocating, her teary-eyed frown lightening up somewhat. 

She giggles, finally, and he feels himself nervously grinning back at her. 

With no warning, she throws both arms around him in a hug. He takes it in stride, barely flinching when gloved fingers rub an eager path between his shoulder-blades, along with that cotton-candy laugh filling his ears. 

“Heya, Steven. Y’know what?” Spinel hisses quietly into his ear, her breath fanning against him. It makes him want to shiver. 

“What?” Steven whispers back, figuring he should play along. Nausea flows through him, and he swallows it back, waiting.

“You’re really my best, best, _bestest_ friend.”

The heaviness in his chest finally settles down again. 

It's okay. He fixed it. Spinel was fine, Steven was fine, Beach City was fine. Everything was _fine_.

His face buried itself in the crook of Spinel’s neck. When his eyes open, he sees the unsettled look in his dad’s eyes as he stares at the two of them, his arm still awkwardly lifted for a handshake that’d never come. 

Steven smiles, and he hopes it conveys the message. _Everything’s gonna be okay._

His dad doesn’t look so convinced.


	2. a fool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all's comments were so nice last chapter that my dumbass self got inspired and stayed up till 3 in the morning writing c': i hope this is a good enough continuation!

His bed had never felt so comfortable. 

Steven flops against the sheets, belly-first, and lets out a contented sigh. The ache in his muscles, the bruises littering his body, and the bags under his eyes– those won’t exactly evaporate on the spot, but some rest would certainly do some good in fixing that. 

He doesn't feel like sitting up, so he wriggles out of his jacket, resembling some sort of frenzied caterpillar, and tosses it to the side once he got it off.

He sighs again, rolling his shoulders. His eyes feel so heavy. Finally, he lets them slip close.

The human side of Beach City would mostly be sleeping, considering it was already midnight, and the gem side were all still celebrating the whole _yay, the earth didn’t die!_ thing.

It wasn’t like he had any pressing matters to get to, so sleeping should be fine, but...

Only one thing nags at his mind, and it was probably not hard to guess what it was.

Spinel. 

He’d gently prompted her to go and talk to Amethyst, which she didn’t want to do. Then came Pearl. She didn’t want that, either. Mentioning Garnet elicited an unimpressed yawn, and she’d literally _snorted_ when he brought up Lapis, Bismuth and Peridot.

It was nothing but confusing. He’d thought–no, he’d _known_ that all she craved were friends. Genuine friendship, where she knew she wouldn’t be left again.

She’d said it herself several times, genuine anguish, want, and guilt flashing across her face. 

It was everything true, real, and achingly sincere, so _why does she turn her nose up at literally every single person that wasn’t him_? 

He knew he wouldn’t get an answer, so he didn’t ask.

Finally, he settled on requesting a few of the townspeople gems to show her around, and hopefully convince her to share in the celebration. 

A celebration in beating something she’d caused, sure, but Steven was really trying not to focus on that right now. Forgiveness was the key, and he refused to hold anything against her.

No matter what.

With a pleading look from him, Spinel had reluctantly let herself be dragged off somewhere by several giggling, friendly gems. 

However, the displeased glare she’d directed toward him all the way until she was out of sight...it definitely showed how she really felt. 

His left arm, the one she’d been clinging to the entire night, suddenly felt colder. He’d willfully ignored any worries, climbed tiredly up the stairs of his house and collapsed into his bed. That’s where he still was.

Now, in the quiet of his empty house, it's impossible not to dwell on everything.

Possibilities flash through his closed eyes. None of them were positive, and most ended with people he cared about dying. A rare few considered the possibility of a gem, or a human, even, holding a grudge against Spinel and trying to harm her.

He turns on his side, facing the window. 

“She’ll be okay,” He reasons with himself aloud, the mumble of it seeming so much louder in the silence of his room. “She’ll. Be. _Okay_.”

“Who?” A familiar voice chirps curiously, inches from his ear. “Who’s gonna be okay, Steven?” 

Steven yelps, startling so hard he nearly rolls off the bed. Long, stretching arms wrap around his torso and haul him back up, slamming him against the mattress, harder than necessary. 

A gasp is forced out of him, and his eyes snap open. Familiar magenta eyes peering down at him make him unsure whether to sag with relief or tense up further. 

“S-Spinel?” He says weakly, holding a hand over his chest, feeling the panicked pace of his heart. “What’re you doing here?”

“Being with you, duh!” Her hold on him slides away, but she plops against the side of his bed seconds later. 

“What about the...the other gems? What happened to them showing you around?” He asks gently, tries his best to keep his voice void of impatience, or, worse, anger. 

All it took was Steven accidentally raising his voice at her, a few hours prior, for him to know just how well she didn’t react to negative feedback. 

_Be accommodating. Don’t make her think she’s a nuisance. Just be nice, Steven. Don’t mess this up. Don’t mess_ her _up._

“Oh, them?” All liveliness goes out of her voice, just like that.“They were fine, I suppose. Just didn’t wanna hang with ‘em anymore, sooooo– I went and left!”

Her arms spread wide, and she beams down at him. He can barely manage a weak smile, his brow furrowing. This was only getting more and more baffling.

“Can…can I ask why?” He sits up suddenly, looking at her with concern. “Were they being mean? Excluding you?” 

Spinel takes too long to answer. Her hand fists into his blanket, and Steven’s mouth parts with shock when he notices the tear sliding languidly down her cheek. She sniffles, raising a hand to wipe at her face.

“Spinel?!” He reaches for her, grasps on to her shoulder with a visible desperation. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m– I’m good. ‘S jus…” She hiccups brokenly, and his chest aches. “You really care, huh? You’re not just faking, or, or _using_ me,” Venom overwhelms her tone during the last part. “or…”

“Of course I’m not! Spinel, listen. Listen to me, okay?”

He takes ahold of her hand. She returns his grip with no hesitation.

“You’re not in that garden anymore. You’re not ever gonna have to stand somewhere, waiting for someone that’ll never come, and you’re never going to be made to feel like you’re unwanted, okay?” He says it, and he _means_ it. “This is your home, and we’re all your friends. You have me, Pearl, Amethyst, Garnet, heck, _everyone_!”

Her hiccuping cries have quieted, and that spurs him on.

“I know things are overwhelming right now, and that’s okay. We have all the time in the world, and when you need us? You’ll always have us.”

Spinel’s grip on his hand weakens, before returning tenfold. Slowly, her head lifts, and the look she gives him is filled with nothing but awe.

“I...I’ll always have you?” Cautious. Hopeful.

“Not just me, silly.” He smiles softly. “Everyone.”

“But I’ll always have _you_, right?” Spinel insists. Steven cocks his head, slightly confused as to why she’s so intent on that in particular, but he doesn’t question it.

“Well, yeah.” He huffs a quiet chuckle. “As long as I’m here, you got me.”

For a long moment, it’s silent. Then the laughter comes.

Soft, hesitant, and tinkling. It’s like nothing he’s heard from her. It makes his expression go slack, warmth rapidly gathering in his chest as he watches her face scrunch with joy. 

She looks like an entirely new person when she smiles genuinely like that.

He’s prepared the second time she hugs him, and the stretching arms wrapping around him once, twice, and then three times don’t feel as constricting as before. 

Spinel leans against him, her hair tickling his cheek. 

Her voice is quiet when she says, “You’re nothing like her. Did you know that?”

Steven stiffens. 

“You’re better. So much better.” Laughter is still in her voice, joyous and honest. “You got a genuine feel to you, or somethin’. Dunno how to explain it, but it’s true. You’re not like her, you’re _better_.”

He swallows back the sudden, terrifying, and unexpected feeling of _satisfaction_ that wells up in him, oozing and spiteful.

Being told he was better than his mom ever could be; it shouldn’t make him so happy, and he knew that, but–

It was always _you’re so much like her, Steven_, or _you remind me of her_, or even _oh, that’s something she’d do_.

Always being compared, and then feeling lesser than someone who has pretty much caused all of his problems. Someone whose rash decisions he was still paying for. 

And now, being told that he was better. It shouldn’t make him feel good, but he can’t deny that it makes him blink back the tears that were welling into his eyes. 

Something deep inside him, ugly and gnarled, soaks up the praise like a sponge.

If he tightens his hold on her, she doesn’t complain.

If his voice is thick with emotion when he mumbled a sincere _thank you_, she doesn’t mention that, either. 

“Why didn’t you want to be with those other gems, again?” He asks sleepily, some time later. Spinel was still wrapped around him like a koala, but he found that he didn’t really mind. “You never told me the actual reason.”

Spinel is quick to answer, voice like honey, “That should be obvious, friendo.”

“It should?” His eyebrows raise, surprised. “Well, it sure flew over my head, I guess. Can you tell me?”

“They weren’t you.” 

She snuggles deeper against him, right when he processes what she said, and _oh_.

Steven’s face goes hot, and he coughs awkwardly. That same, familiar warmth threatens to come back up, make his chest tighten again with something that he couldn’t name.

He’s too tired to be as concerned about it as he should be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a lot of stuff in this chapter came out pretty genuinely sweet, but i kinda like it. there's gotta be some good intentions to pave along this highway to hell, after all!!!
> 
> steven's beginning to feel things for spinel. that means things can only get more screwed up from here. yay!


	3. so much fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STEVEN UNIVERSE HAS CONSUMED MY THOUGHTS AND LIFE AND I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! 
> 
> (also, if some stuff i put in is a liiiittle shaky with canon, i'm sorry! i really need to rewatch some earlier parts of the show tbh! try to look over it if there are any!)

Hugging Steven for a good, long while like this helps Spinel come to a realization.

Humans are _soft._

Emotionally, too, sure– but she means physically. Being wrapped around Steven like she was, the pudgy, gentle roundness of his body feels so pronounced. Especially next to her. She's stretchy, but wiry, too. Lean, gangly, and even jagged in some places. 

She wants to squeeze him, grab on to his soft sides and dig in without abandon, but she’s pretty sure that it would cause him pain. 

She doesn’t have a body temperature, either, so she notices the warmth that emits from him, from the curved arms lightly settled against her back to the curly-haired head lulling against her shoulder. 

Soft, warm, and comforting. 

Spinel could remember that Pink Diamond hadn’t felt like this, even with the thousands of years that’d already passed, along with the heaps of trauma she’d gone through during that time. 

Clinging to her leg when they’d walk around, because that’s as far as she could reach normally. Stretching so she could give her a proper hug around the neck, giggling happily while she’d sigh, smile, and eventually return the embrace.

During the final few months of their friendship, Spinel remembers Pink Diamond sighing a lot more, and giving hugs a lot less. 

Spinel remembers a lot more than she wants to, but that didn’t matter now, because Pink Diamond is gone. Her successor is also leaps and bounds above her, considering he hasn’t taken her anywhere and left her there to rot for _sososososososomanyyears_–

…

Well, no use thinking about it now. Not when she has a new best friend!

Back to her previous train of thought: humans are pretty soft. 

Or is it just Steven? Spinel has no idea, nor does she have any interest whatsoever in touching any other human to find out. She clings a little tighter, mindful of her own strength (she didn’t dislike _any_ faces Steven made, but the pained ones...those are a least favorite) and her head cocks when she hears a sound.

Uneven, quiet, and low-pitched; Steven’s slumped over now, resting all of his weight against her. 

“Steven?” She says. “Wha’ssat sound?”

Nothing. No response at all. It’s embarrassing how quickly the panic begins to rise out of her, making her breathe faster. She pushes him away, and holds him by the shoulders, stares at him worriedly.

Steven’s eyes are closed. He breathes evenly, soft chest rising and falling with each breath. The sound from before stopped.

He’s breathing, and humans do that when they’re alive, so that’s good! But then– why wasn’t he–

“Why aren’t you moving?” She whispers. “Why aren’t you talkin’ back?”

She shakes him, and it’s _supposed_ to be gentle, but her frantic thoughts get the best of her. His face scrunches with pain as he reaches up, weakly grabs her by the wrists to stop her. His eyes snap open, staring at her in confusion.

She stills.

“Spinel?” His voice was scratchy and lower than before. Her hands clench into his shoulders without meaning to, and he makes a sound of pain. “Spinel, you gotta let go– Spinel, I’m being serious!”

She’s not hearing him. Everything is muffled, and a sound that didn’t exist is overwhelming her ears. Ringing. Shrill. 

She recalls the garden. Feet long bound to the ground, nature growing over her. Like a statue, left to stare at one place with dead eyes that didn’t see, and a smile that couldn’t waver.

Spinel wasn’t a statue. She can see, she can hear, and she has feelings. 

Now, she’s staring blankly at the wall, past Steven and his increasingly panicked expression. Her fingers _dig_ into him, her other hand going to her cheek and _raking_ across it with her nails, and she can’t stop, she can’t...

“Spinel! Spinel, S-spinel, Spinel! Please, listen! It _hurts_!“ His voice tapers off into a whimper, and she recoils as if she’d been burned. Everything floods back at once, and her hearing and sight become disturbingly clear. She blinks, her pupils rapidly dilating and contracting, and looks at him. 

Steven is staring at her, his big, dark-brown eyes wide and fearful, and, and–

She sniffles once, pitfully, and that’s all it takes for the waterworks to spring free. She’s crying suddenly, clinging to Steven and his soft body, his fragile, breakable, _human_–

She’s sobbing now, all pitiful hiccups and inaudible begging. He’s going to push her away any second now, she just knows it, and then she’ll be alone again. 

He doesn’t.

Gently, like _she_ was the fragile one here, his arms circle her again. She clings immediately, savoring his warmth, and feeling the rapid _bump, bump, bump_ of his human heart as they press together, chest to chest. He’s mumbling words of comfort into her ear, and she doesn’t deserve it. 

Doesn’t deserve any of it. 

“You weren’t talking to me.” She whispers, voice thin. “You weren’t responding, and I was so _scared_, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I…”

“I know.” Steven says gently, too understanding, too forgiving. His voice holds a tinge of regret when he continues,“It’s my fault for falling asleep suddenly. You don’t even know what that is, do you?”

“Falling...asleep?” 

“It’s...well, humans need it. We close our eyes, relax, and then it usually just happens.” Steven explains. He rubs soothing circles into her back, and she leans into it subconsciously. 

“I was getting pretty tired,” he laughs quietly, but there’s not much humor in it. “I guess I just sorta fell asleep on you. I’m sorry for scaring you.”

“Y-you’re...not mad? You’re not gonna l-leave me?” She hiccups, muffled, pressing against his front. “O-or...or send me somewhere for hurting you?”

“Of course not!” Steven says, louder than before. His voice softens again, “It was an accident, yeah?”

She nods against his shoulder, inhaling shakily. 

“Just try not to do it again. It’s okay to make mistakes, and besides…” 

His hand brushes against her face before cupping her chin, guiding her face back up to him. 

Spinel knows she must look pathetic, can feel the tears and snot drying against her face, but he merely smiles crookedly at her. He leans in, and she blinks, confused, when his lips brush her injured cheek. 

“It’s nothing that a little healing can’t fix.” He laughs again once he pulls away, and it sounds more genuine than before.

Her face tingles. The dull pain is gone. She presses a hand against her cheek, doe-eyed and open-mouthed.

“What was that? It was _amazing_!” She breathes excitedly, leaning in until they were nose to nose. Steven’s smile drops, and he...turns different colors?

“Why is your face pink?” Spinel asks, brow crinkling when Steven turns away with a muffled gasp. “Is this a human thingy I don’t know about?”

“No, uh,” Steven isn’t looking at her anymore. She moves until she’s in his line of sight again, her head cocked to the side, and he goes pinker. He looks borderline ashamed. It confuses her greatly. “I mean yes, I- It’s...I’m just tired. Yeah. That’s it.”

To anyone else, it’d be a clear lie, but this was Spinel. She merely shrugs, grins, and says, “Tired? You wanna try that sleep thing again, huh.”

Steven can't look more relieved if he tried. “Yeah, um. That’d be great.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> steven: _snores_
> 
> spinel: :D
> 
> spinel: i am now going to go into an _immediate panic attack_
> 
> ...BUT SERIOUSLY, as much as i like the screwed up aspects of this ship, i end up making chapters at least somewhat tender. i don't mean to, but it kinda happens. i hope spinel comes off creepy enough, even with the wholesomeness of some scenes! i dunno how i end up writing her crying or almost-crying EVERY SINGLE TIME. I SWEAR IT WONT HAPPEN NEXT CHAPTER :')


	4. i'll show you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't think i've ever pumped out chapters this often for _anything_ o: i am very passionate and lonely :')

“You mean I can’t stay here while you do the sleep?” Spinel already sounds put out, and he holds back a labored sigh. 

“Well…” Steven scratches the back of his head, sheepish. “I’m gonna be sleeping. You’d be bored just sitting here, wouldn’t you?”

Spinel doesn’t even blink, “No?”

Steven mulls over how to respond to that, trying to keep the exasperation off of his face. It was so much harder to do, considering it was close to 2 in the morning, and all he wants is _sleep_. Patience isn't coming as easily anymore.

“Sleep is–it lasts for hours. Eight of them, if I’m lucky. You’re, um, probably gonna get pretty bored. Haha…”

“How could I ever get bored with you here?” Spinel beams. Steven is reminded of her old form. With a grin like that, they don’t look all that different anymore. “You’re my best friend!”

Steven tries not to flush under the praise, as skewed and weird as it was.

“But I’m gonna be unconscious.” He attempts to reason gently. “That means I won’t be talking.”

“That’s okay,” Spinel’s hand finds his, and he holds back a surprised flinch. She intertwines their fingers, looking at him innocently, smile bright, “I can just stare at you and be happy.”

Steven waits for the _lol, just kidding!_ laugh. It doesn’t come. 

She’s kinda...creepy. There’s no denying it. He doesn’t know if the fact that she’s so oblivious to it makes her _more_ creepy, or less. 

He’s horrified, or he’s _supposed_ to be, so why was…

“Oh, you’re pink again!” Spinel notices, reaching up to poke his cheek with a snicker that held an edge of tease to it. Steven’s flush deepens as he frowns, and grabs the hand against his face without thinking. 

Her snickering stops abruptly. He awkwardly holds her hand, mid-air, realizing that pushing her away would only hurt her feelings. 

She blinks at him, confused. Reluctantly, he copies what she did earlier and laces their fingers together, trying to play it off with a nervous smile. 

The surprised giggle and absolute _beam_ of a smile he receives from Spinel makes him avert his gaze, staring hard at the comforter while alarm bells ring in his head. 

He isn’t supposed to be encouraging this! Why is his luck this bad? Why does he keep doing the wrong things?! 

“So, uh,” His voice cracks. Clearing his throat, he makes another attempt. “About sleep–“

“Feel free to get to it.” Spinel gestures to the rest of his bed happily. “I’ll just be right here. Don’t mind me, friend.”

The mental image of Spinel standing over him, smiling, while he slept enters his mind. Steven holds back a grimace. 

“That’s,” _Incredibly uncomfortable_. “Oh, I have an idea! How about you go hang out a bit with Pearl?” 

It is almost impressive how quickly that gets her smile to drop. Her eyes go narrow, and she doesn’t try to mask her reluctance.

“Alrighty! No Pearl, got it.” Maybe the whole _mom took her pearl and not Spinel_ thing is still a sore spot. “What about Garnet? Amethyst?”

No change in expression. If anything, she begins pouting. “Do I have to?”

“You don’t have to do anything!” Steven assures her. “You’re your own person. No one is gonna make you do anything you don’t want to.”

“Ooooh,” Then, without missing a beat, “I don’t wanna do that, then! At all!”

Steven deflates like a sad balloon. “O-Okay.”

She’s back to the grinning. They’re still holding hands, and he knows that his has to feel sweaty and uncomfortably warm by now, but she doesn’t seem to notice. Or care.

A thought occurs to him.

“Wait, are...are you sure you’ll be fine? Like, when I sleep?” He asks, brow furrowed. “You didn’t seem to react too well to it last time.”

A rather vague way of saying she’d had a panic attack and accidentally hurt him and herself in the process, but he's trying his best to tiptoe around his words when he feels it's needed. Her temper is as wavering as it is unpredictable.

Her smile loses some edge, and she almost looks embarrassed, or perhaps guilty, “That was a one-time thing. Swearsies. I’m fine now! See?”

She makes an impromptu balloon animal out of her own arm. It looks more uncanny than cool, but he claps politely. She looks smug, which shouldn’t be as endearing as it ends up being.

Suddenly, an idea!

“Wait, Spinel!” He says quickly, excitement bleeding into his tone. “Why don’t _you_ try sleeping?”

“I can do that?” Spinel gasps, genuinely dumbstruck, and Steven can’t help the grin it pulls from him. 

“Sure! Amethyst loves doing it!” He says, ignoring the way her face sours at the mention of another gem. “You feel like giving it a try?”

Spinel nods so quickly her pupils go cross-eyed for a split-second. Relief washes over him.

_At least she’s not gonna be staring at me all night._

Just a few minutes later, he's beginning to regret pretty much all of this.

“You’re _sure_ you don’t want me to take the couch, and let you have my bed?” He asks for what had to be the third time. “My bed is kinda tiny, and all. It might be cramped…”

“Steven, Steven, Steeeeeeven,” Spinel drags out, trailing a finger coyly up his chest. Once she reaches the collar of his shirt, she pulls back and boops him on the nose with a giggle. “I said I was sure, so I’m sure. I’m surely sure. Sure that I’m surely s–“

“Okay, okay!” He gives in, hands up in mock-defeat. “Well, I guess it’s time for bed. You ready?”

He sure was. His aching body just wanted the soft surface of his bed, and his eyes wanted nothing but sweet, sweet darkness. Not having to think, or worry, or be _paranoid_ for a couple hours sounded like heaven.

”You bet I am!” Spinel cheers, entirely too loud and excited for someone who’s about to attempt to sleep. She’s like a puppy. A puppy with a very short fuse, and also mood-swings.

“That’s the spirit! So, first, you just–“ With one final stretch, the sound of his joints cracking causing Spinel to blink in confusion, he flops onto his side. He muffles a groan of satisfaction. 

His back is finally _resting_. Life is good.

“Lay down just like this.” He finishes. No more than a moment later, Spinel is scrambling to copy him, facing him with wide, curious eyes. “You comfy like that? You don’t have to sleep like I do, if you don’t want to.”

“If you’re comfy, I am too.” Spinel chirps. Her fingers tap against the blanket, restless.

Less than stellar reasoning, but whatever makes her happy, he supposes. Steven yawns, taking extra care to cover his mouth. 

“Okay, now...just close your eyes. As long as you’re relaxed, sleep should come soon. With me so far?”

“I gotcha!”

For all of half a minute, it’s mercifully quiet. Right before he really slips into the dark, comforting abyss of oblivion, Steven cracks an eye open.

Spinel is still staring at him. 

“Spinel, I said eyes closed, remember?” He reminds her gently. She _oooh_s.

“Sorry, sorry. I’ll do it right this time.”

“No worries.”

He lets his eyes drift shut. This time, five minutes pass before his bliss is interrupted again.

“I don’t think I’m getting this.” Spinel whispers, comically loudly. “I’ve been staring at the back of my eyelids _foreveeeeer_, and I’m not unconscious yet.”

“Give it...mmmn, some time,” He mumbles, still half-asleep. “You– you got this…”

Silence again. Merciful silence.

He flinches when an arm is suddenly draped over his waist, along with his hand being gripped. 

His red-rimmed eyes snap open, completely unsurprised to see a grinning Spinel already looking back at him.

“Spinel, what–“

“I figured out what was missing! Relaxation!” She laughs, resembling an excited child. “But I found it! Touching you is what relaxes me!”

”That’s, um,”

_Concerning. Weird. Slightly flattering? Oh, no._

“Well, I’m glad I could help you?” He finishes one last incredibly awkward response, and then his head hits his pillow for good, and he’s out like a light. Snoring, too.

Spinel, on the other hand, doesn’t sleep. Or even attempt it. She just...stares. 

Wonder why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i swear, next chapter some time will finally pass!! they've spent like three chapters on stevens bed, whoopsie ;u; 
> 
> fun fact: 
> 
> this entire fic started with the idea of spinel forcing herself into steven's bed and awkwardly cuddling him while he just kinda sits there uncomfortably like D': but then i kinda...kept writing! i'm happy i did, y'all and your feedback have both been so motivating and sweet! <3


	5. nobodies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back! writing this was a struggle at first but i did it!!! it starts with a tiny bit of Spinel POV, and then it's the usual steven!

“I’ll just be away for an hour or so,” Steven slings his bag over his shoulder, looking back with somewhat of a nervous edge. “I’m just gonna be spending time with Connie. Are you gonna be okay?”

_No_. “Of course! Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Amethyst is hanging out downstairs, I think. Feel free to go talk to her, or I can tell her to come up here, if you want!”

_I don’t want any of that_. “Whatever you want, Steven.”

”Um, okay. I’ll let you go talk to her if–when you want to. Haha...”

_You know I don’t want to._

“I’ll get going, then.” Steven takes a few steps towards the door, and then looks back again. He’s hesitating. “Goodbye for now, Spinel. I promise I’ll be back soon.”

_He knows what this reminds me of, and feels guilty. My best friend has such a good heart._

…_He’d have an even better one if he didn’t try leaving me in the first place._

“Goodbye! Tell the hu– tell Connie I said hello!” A smile, wide, with too many teeth showing. It doesn’t seem to ease his worries. 

With a last, lingering, look of concern, he’s out. Staring at the door gets boring after forty-five minutes. 

Although, she’s definitely been bored for longer.

Steven can actually say that he’s feeling relaxed right now. Sand beneath his bare feet, the sun shining overhead, and his girlfriend (gosh, calling her that still felt weird!) walking by his side, laughing at some dumb joke he’d sputtered out. He can’t be blamed if he walks a bit slow, wanting to savor this more before he gets home. 

Steven’s heart is steady. He feels light. A mere hour with Connie did this, huh? She really is a life-saver!

Leaving Spinel had been a bit of an anxiety-inducer, but she didn’t seem too upset. Annoyed, but he’d expected that the second Connie had sent him the request to hang out through text. 

She’s just...clingy. That’s the best way to describe it. She didn’t even like him taking time to himself to _shower_ (explaining why she couldn’t be in the bathroom with him had been an embarrassing ordeal he never wanted to think about again) so of course she isn't gonna like him being away for an hour or more.

He doesn’t know the more unsettling part. The fact that her behavior hasn’t improved, or that he is beginning to get used to it. 

Waking up to a grinning face already staring him down. Barely flinching anymore when his hand is grabbed out of nowhere, or when she surprises him by hugging him. He remembers making this comparison before, but it really was like having a puppy. Constantly excited and clingy, with no understanding of things like personal space or privacy. 

It was almost becoming endearing to him sometimes, and that’s what is really worrying.

He can’t encourage this, and that thought is a big reason why he’d agreed to go somewhere with Connie in the first place. Well, besides the fact that he loved being with her anyway, but y’know! It’d also help Spinel learn to be alone, or at least spend time with somebody who wasn’t him. 

Two birds, one stone. Or something.

“-ven? Steven?”

“Huh?” He shakes his head and looks over at Connie, who has her eyebrows raised. He realizes he had just...stopped walking, and his face goes pink with embarrassment.

“You alright?” Her voice was light enough to know she was saying it jokingly, but he’d be stupid to think she wasn’t concerned. “Thought I lost you for a second there.”

“Sorry, sorry. I was just thinking, s’all.” Please, please don’t let her ask him for details.

“About what?” She asks almost immediately, and he tries not to sigh audibly. 

“Just how things have been going with, uh, Spinel. And other things. Yeah!” He starts walking again, hoping that it would somehow take her mind off of how vague his answer is. His house looms in the distance, and his pace quickens. “Anyway, how have you been?”

“Steven, about Spinel...” She says, a somber note to her tone, and he knows where this is going. He really doesn’t want to talk about himself, about how he’s handling things with her, or if he’s okay, _none of it_. 

“Oh, would you look at that?” Steven says, faux-shocked. “We’re at my house! That was quick, wow! Well, it was good seeing you! I’ll text you later!”

A tug against the sleeve of his jacket stops him. When he looks back, Connie is frowning. He hesitates, before stopping completely. He can’t look at her anymore, or at that worried gaze, so he focuses on the ground instead.

“Steven,” Soft, but firm. “How long have I known you?”

“Four years.” He mumbles out. Like a child that’d just gotten scolded.

“And what am I?” 

“My best friend?”

“_And_?” Her mouth tilts up into an almost-smirk, and he blushes.

“My…” He coughs, rubbing the back of his neck. “My girlfriend.”

“Uh-huh.” She’s smiling now, and he can’t help but mimic it. “So all that means what?”

That genuinely stumps him. “Uh, you tell me?”

“It means I know you, dummy.” She nudges his shoulder, too gentle to hurt. “I know when you’re trying to bottle stuff up, and I know when you’re lying. You’re a really bad liar, dude. No offense.”

“Hey, cut me some slack!” He says, but there’s laughter in his voice. He nudges her back. “I just don’t do it often enough to get good at it.”

“Oh, I see.” Connie says, heavy sarcasm in her tone. She smiles again, and it makes his insides go all gooey. “Seriously though, I’m not gonna force you to talk to me, but…”

She turns to face him. Clumsily, he does the same.

“Don’t ever think you have nobody to talk to, okay?” She says, whisper-soft. Her hand squeezes his. “I’m here whenever you need me, and if...if Spinel is giving you trouble, you can tell me.”

“She isn’t.” He says, and his voice comes out steady. “She really isn’t. It’s nothing I can’t handle! She’s getting better, anyway.”

_If I say it enough, or think it enough, it’ll become the truth. Maybe._

Connie doesn’t look overwhelmingly convinced, but she doesn’t seem as worried as before, so he counts it as a victory. 

“Good.” She lets his hand go, and takes a step back. “I guess I better get going then, huh? Homework to do, after all.”

“You skipped homework for me?” He gasps. In all his years knowing her, Connie always did her homework before anything else. 

“You bet I did, Universe.” She grins, leaning in to press a kiss against his cheek. Steven becomes pink in the face again, knees going wobbly. No matter how many times she does that, he’s never gonna get used to it, is he? 

She leans back, a bit of a blush on her own cheeks, “Goodbye for real?”

“Goodbye for real.” He says softly, smiling.

“Already?” A familiar voice calls from above. He and Connie both look up, dumbstruck to see Spinel leaning against the railing of his house. “And it was just gettin’ good!”

She looks absolutely _furious_, but she’s also grinning, and that somehow makes it all the more unsettling.

She swings off, landing against the sand-covered ground with a dull _thud_. For a moment, they all just stare at each other awkwardly.

“Uh, Spinel–“ He almost starts explaining himself, before stopping, because what did he even need to explain? He’d literally told her that he was hanging out with Connie.“Hi?”

Why does he feel like he got caught doing something he shouldn’t be? This is weird. 

“Heya, _universe._” She coos, honey and venom, and it’s so obviously mocking Connie earlier. 

How long has she been there? How long has she been listening?

She strides up to him, and a gasp nearly bursts free when she grabs him by the arm and clings. It comes to him suddenly; just exactly what she was trying to do.

Acting possessive. Mocking Connie. You’d have to be a fool to _not_ get what she was doing. It was like an animal attempting to mark her territory. 

He feels nauseous.

“You must be Connie!” She says, cheerful. “Steven’s said so much about you.”

“Uh, good to meet you too, but we’ve met before?” Connie still looks clueless. Maybe it was only obvious to him? 

Was he overthinking? She’d certainly _looked_ upset, before, and the hold she had on his bicep is tightening–

“Oh, oopsie. Must’a forgot.” Spinel giggles, pointedly not apologizing. “Well, time for you to get inside, huh, Steven? We’ve all missed you _so_ much.”

“Huh?” He says, but she’s already forcefully dragging him away, toward the steps of the porch, and his feet struggle to keep up with her pace. “Spinel, wait–“

“Oh, I almost forgot!” She stops, and his chest bumps against her back. 

She turns around, and the curling, spiteful smile she sports makes him go pale in the face. His chin is suddenly gripped, surprisingly gently– 

Lips press firm against his cheek, at the exact spot Connie had kissed him earlier. 

He blushes nearly immediately, horrified expression going several shades pinker, while he repeatedly tells himself that it’s from mortification and embarrassment, not _anything else_. 

_Connie is still standing there_, he realizes belatedly. She looks mostly confused, and– and even hurt, and…

Steven can’t look at her anymore. He averts his eyes. 

When Spinel pulls away, the long, smug look she sends to Connie is anything but accidental.

“Okay, I feel better now!” She says happily, and it seems to be the truth. She doesn’t look angry anymore. He’s too numb to feel relief. 

She starts walking with him in tow again, and he doesn’t try to stop her. Spinel looks back at him, and then her eyes slide back to Connie. They go narrow. Hateful.

“Come along now, _best friend_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as much as i'm cucking connie in this fic (i never thought i'd type those words out, jesus christ) i tried my best to keep her in-character! making the love interest an OOC villain in ship fics is a pet peeve of mine, so i hope she comes across like herself.


	6. isn't that lovely

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me and my sister are rewatching SU from the beginning, and GAAAHHH the nostalgia! some people say it started too slow, but i personally loved it from episode 1. 
> 
> about this chapter: it's pretty long! stuff gets worse! the warnings i gave in the beginning are probably needed now!

Steven gets one last glimpse of Connie’s confusion-stricken face before Spinel kicks the door shut behind them. He’s faced with the uncomfortable quiet of the house, aside from Amethyst, relaxing against the couch and noisily munching on some chips. 

She must’ve noticed something, whether it be his quickened breathing and pale face, or Spinel’s unsettlingly calm demeanor, because she asks, “Woah, where’s the fire? Who got poofed?”

“Huh?” 

“You look kinda scared there, dude.” Amethyst is the picture of casual, but he notices how her eyes slide to Spinel, who had her back turned toward the both of them. “You doing okay?”

“I–“

“He’s doing just _swell_.” Spinel interrupts. She turns to face them, smiling tightly. “Aren’t you, Steven?”

Uncomfortable quiet. The grip on his arm doesn't tighten, but it feels like confinement nonetheless.

Weakly, he smiles.

“Yeah! Why wouldn’t I be?” He says, hoping it sounds steady enough, and feels Spinel’s fingers slide down his arm, go back to gripping his hand. 

Amethyst pauses chewing, a crinkle developing between her brows. She’s noticing something, or thinking _something_, and the fact that he doesn’t know drives him mad.

“Dunno. Guess I worried for nothing.” Amethyst shrugs, leaning back. Her hand dives back into the bag of potato chips, and she pouts when she realizes the bag is empty. She gets up from the couch, “I’m gonna go do some gem stuff back in my room. As long as you’re actually fine, and everything’s good.”

She’s looking at him. He knows Spinel is too.

_She’s giving me an out. Amethyst knows something is up, and she’s offering me a chance to say something._

Steven can’t bring himself to smile this time, but he still manages a quiet, “I really am.”

Amethyst looks at him a moment longer, and then at Spinel. Her shrug that follows seems stiff.

“If you say so.” Just like that, she’s out of sight.

Before he can breathe a sigh of relief, Spinel is already leading the both of them up the stairs two steps at a time, nearly making him trip more than once. 

“Spinel?!” He tries, to no avail. If anything, she goes quicker. “Spinel, hey, maybe slow d–“

They reach the top, and he yelps when an arm grabs his waist, and slings him until his back slams roughly against the bed. She’s looming over him in no time, and he has to stop himself from going to shield his face with his hands. 

_She wouldn’t hurt me. She may be mad, for some reason, but she’s not violent._

Multiple flashbacks of her kicking, punching, and harming him in general come to mind, and he inwardly winces. That was before, when she was bad, and hurting, and didn’t know what she was doing.

They’re so close. Her thigh is between both of his so he can’t even curl up, and make himself smaller in an attempt to put some space between them. He doesn’t know where to look, knows he doesn’t want to look at her, or the silent look of fury on her face, so he turns his face to the side. 

Their joined hands are in his line of sight now. His own, limp, moist with cold sweat, pushed into the bed by her bigger, stronger one. 

“Steven,” Quiet, but no less unnerving than if she were yelling.

“Y-yeah?” 

Anything. He could safely say he was expecting anything, because she was as unpredictable as her moods, but he honestly wasn’t expecting the next words to come out of her mouth to be–

“What’s a girlfriend?” 

He blinks once. Twice. Stealthily pinches the side of his thigh with his free hand just in case he was dreaming, because this is borderline absurd. He nearly laughs, an anxious, hysterical tint to it, but holds back at the last second because she still looks ten times more furious than she did curious. 

“I, uh,” He fumbles over his words, because he wasn’t quite sure what he wanted to say, but she only looked angrier the longer the silence went on. Speaking seemed to be the best option. “It’s, well...it’s like a friend, but, um, not?”

Not only was that explanation horrible, Spinel also didn’t look any more enlightened. He nervously meets her gaze, smile wobbly, “If you let me up, I’ll try to...to explain better. How’s that sound?”

She gets off of him, but doesn’t look very happy about it. He’s thankful nonetheless.

“Alrighty, now explain.” Not as _blindly furious_ sounding as before, so there was a start. “And don’t lie! I’ll be able to tell.”

“A girlfriend is…” _Think about this, Universe_. “Like a friend, but, uh, bigger? Yeah, kinda like that. You still hang out like buds, but you also do other stuff.”

“Like what?” Spinel is quick to ask, still displeased. “What stuff?”

“Kissing? I guess?” He blushes, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. The idea of putting Connie and the word _kissing_ near the same thought was a little overwhelming. They were still stuck at cheek pecks after all these years, and those still make him go weak at the knees.

“So,” Spinel says, quiet. “A girlfriend is an extra-special friend that you hang out with, and also kiss?”

“I think?” Definitions vary, but that was Steven’s way of seeing it. 

Spinel doesn’t speak for a few seconds, eyebrows scrunched as she stares down at the blanket, as if she were deep in thought. Her anger was lessening, it had to be. 

When she looks back up at him, she’s grinning victoriously.

“I finally got it! I’m that!” She says excitedly. “I’m your girlfriend!”

“Haha, ye– _what_,” He chokes on air.

“Yknow, I was honestly pretty steamed– thinkin’ you’d gone out and replaced me like trash or somethin’, but I was wrong! Because I’m Steven’s girlfriend!” She cheers, and he thanks the diamonds that the house was currently vacant. “Whoopee!”

“Spinel, shhh!” Steven whispers frantically, face flushed with embarrassment. “Not so loud! Where in the world did you– h-how did you come to that conclusion?”

“You said it yourself!” She‘s nothing but smug. “A special friend you hang out with and kiss, _riiiight_? We hang out, we’re friends, and we’ve kissed each other!”

“Yeah, on the _cheek_!” Desperation is creeping up now, because he hates that she sounds right, all because of his dumb explanation being worded so poorly. “Me and Connie do that, too, b-but still! And I was healing you that first time!”

“Details, details.” She dismisses him like it’s nothing, still grinning. “I even got the spot that the stupi– I mean, that Connie put her human mouth on! Smooched right over it. I win!”

_That logic is childish, unsettlingly confident, and so, so like her. I’m stupid for expecting anything else, I guess._

“Spinel.” He sounds defeated, but at least he doesn’t stutter. “Spinel, listen, okay?”

“Your girlfriend is all ears!” She giggles.

He sighs, and rubs a hand over his face, “I get it, you don’t do well with others right now, and you don’t like me being away for too long– but that’s not an excuse to do what you did to Connie.” 

Spinel’s smug smile falters.

“I know it’s hard right now, I do.” He says, and means it, because it’s obvious how difficult this change has been for her. He hadn’t expected sunshine and roses immediately, but still. “But you have to try a little harder, and not– not say things that could cause a misunderstanding, yeah?”

He lays his hand atop hers, squeezing gently. She doesn’t reciprocate.

“You’re a friend, I cherish you, and that won’t ever change. Connie’s my girlfriend, and that won’t change either. Please understand that.”

It’s quiet. His hopeful expression wavers, but he refuses to look away, hoping that his earnestness will help her realize how serious this is.

“Connie’s your girlfriend, and always will be?” She phrases it like it’s a question, but her voice sounds dead. He brightens up anyway, because he’d honestly thought she wouldn’t say anything. 

“Yeah, you got it!” Steven tries smiling, and it’s half-successful. “And you’ll always be my friend. That’s okay, right? It’s what you want?”

“No.”

“That’s what I–huh?”

“No.” Spinel says, louder this time, more vicious. She pulls her hand away from his, and he doesn’t want to acknowledge how much that stings. “No!”

Quicker than his eyes can follow, she’s suddenly got a grip on her own hair, and not even a second passes before she _yanks_. 

“No,” _yank_. “I don’t,” _yank_. “I don’t!” 

“Spinel, what...” He whispers, horrified, before logic kicks in and he makes a grab for her wrist. “Stop! You’re hurting yourself!”

“Why should I listen to you?” She snarls, tears of anger, or grief, beginning to pool down her cheeks. “I don’t matter to you! Not as much as that stupid human!”

“That’s not–” He begins, and his heart drops when she grins suddenly, all sharpened teeth and spite. Whatever had just come to mind, it couldn’t be good. 

“Well, if ya can’t beat ‘em…” Spinel giggles lowly, and the sound makes goosebumps erupt across his body. “Might as well join ‘em!”

“What? W-what do you mean?” He rushes to say, hoping to stall, buy time, do _something_, but Spinel’s already grabbing him. 

One hand across his waist, the other at his throat, dangerously near closing around his windpipe. He doesn’t fight when she forces him down, until he’s laying atop the bed, with her looming over him. Just like before. Unlike last time, she gets closer, and closer, and _closer_, until their noses are brushing and his sight is filled with the furious, dilated magenta of her pupils.

“You little lovebirds only got to cheek peckin’, huh?” She whispers, and her breath fans over his mouth. He gulps. “Guess I’ll beat little miss Connie to the punch, then.”

Before Steven can stutter out a question, she’s got a grip against his chin, pulls him closer– and he gasps when her mouth presses against his.

It’s firm, close-mouthed and uncomfortable, because she clearly had even less of an idea about kissing than he did, but the statement is clear. 

She’s marking what she thinks is hers.

She pulls back, and he has time for one breath of relief before she’s kissing him again. It’s not on the mouth, but on his cheek again. And again. And again.

“Spinel?!” His voice comes out so high, and his embarrassment simmers. “Spinel, what’re you–”

She’s kissing everywhere she can reach. His cheeks, the line of his jaw, his hair. His breath stutters when she moves lower, lips brushing his neck, before going at it with the same ferocity she’d had before. He makes a strange, mortifying sound in the back of his throat, squirming.

His face, neck, collarbone– he barely flinches when she pulls his left hand up and gives it the same treatment, followed by the right. 

He _does_ flinch, hard, when his shirt is suddenly yanked up, baring his pudgy stomach. 

“Wh– stop!” He squeaks. “Spinel–“

Considering what she’d been doing the last two and a half minutes, you’d think he wouldn’t be shocked when she moves lower, lips firm against his belly, but he gasps again– hands going up to cover his pink face as he mumbled out horrified protests.

Spinel and her mouth are everywhere. Over the ridge of his sternum, his ribs, and then the fat of his belly again. Her lips find his _gem_, and oh, _no_–

“_Spinel_,” It sounds like a whine.

Warm, unwanted tingling erupts over him, and his legs squeeze together as he squirms harder, praying he can buck her off. 

He can’t. She doesn’t stop for another three minutes. By the time she does, he’s nothing but a mess of horrified embarrassment, breathing fast, still covering his face.

“Boy, do I feel better!” She says brightly once she pulls away, and curiosity enters her voice. “What’re you hiding your face for?” 

He doesn’t reply.

“Oh, I get it! You’re shy! Bet you’re all pink in the face now, too.” She pokes his thigh with a snicker, and he flinches. “How cute! Too bad good ol’ Connie can’t see this, huh?” 

She laughs, and he tries to muffle the sudden tightness in his throat, and the building burn behind his eyelids.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you guys enjoyed!


	7. drift away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took forever and i'd give a long tearful apology, but i can't! because i have to tell you all that this fic officially has FANART!!!! 
> 
> Someone i'm lucky to call a friend drew up some gorgeous art, along with an ENTIRE SCENE from chapter 6!!! go give them both some love, if you can! view the fanart [HERE](https://twitter.com/IOnlyLoveFanta1/status/1183189989711966208) and the comic [HERE](https://twitter.com/IOnlyLoveFanta1/status/1180605849510612998)

Connie’s couch is comfortable. 

Soft and worn in a way that could only happen from years of use. Steven leans into it, letting out a sigh when it cushions his back perfectly, like it always had before. 

If only he could be here under better circumstances.

“Steven?” Connie says quietly. She’s not sitting close to him, but he startles anyway. “My parents finally went to bed. Now, do you want to be honest and tell me the real reason you came here?”

He’s slow to look at her, because it’s just...embarrassing. Steven knows she’s not stupid. Heck, she’s smarter than he could ever hope to be– he just shows up to her house, in the late evening, sweaty and clearly stressed about something. After the possessive stunt Spinel had pulled mere hours earlier, no less. 

It’d been hard enough explaining anything to the gems (_“Yes, I am going to Connie’s for no particular reason, also please keep an eye on Spinel, alright bye!”_) without mentioning what actually happened. Now he has to do the same thing with Connie, except he can’t escape before being forced into giving a thorough explanation like before.

“I can’t come see my best friend?” He tries for a smile. Connie merely frowns at him.

“I thought I was your girlfriend.” She says, and wow, ouch.

“Y-you are!” Now he’s flustered, and that only incriminates him more. “I just– it feels a little weird saying it, even now.”

“What is _that_ supposed to mean?” 

Steven winces. She’s colder than usual, but it’s not like there’s no reasoning behind it. Now that she knows he’s lying about one thing, and can see right through him about it, who’s to say he’s being genuine at all?

It doesn’t help that everything he’s trying to say is coming out bad. 

“Nothing! I just–“ Meeting her eyes, seeing her look less and less enthused by the second, becomes too much. He stares at his hands instead. “I just...everything I say sounds wrong right now. I don’t mean it. I’m sorry if you’re mad at me.”

“Steven…” She sighs. The hands braced in her lap clench, and unclench sporadically. “The fact that you’re apologizing means something _is_ wrong, and that something did happen.”

“No, I–“

He flinches when her hand seeks his, and she leans toward him. This is easily the closest he’s ever seen her look to pleading. 

“Was it Spinel?” She whispers. “Did she do something to you?”

“W-what?”

“Don’t act oblivious.” She‘s quick to say. “You and I both know what she did earlier was a sign. She’s unstable at best, and dangerous at worst.”

Something akin to defensiveness pulls at his chest, and he frowns. 

“Dangerous? For what, being a little clingy? Connie, no, she’s just...we’re both..it’s a process. Okay?”

“How long will this process of yours take?” Irritation flicks across her face. “You said she was getting better. Is what I saw just a few hours ago _better_?”

“Why are you getting mad?” His voice comes out louder, strained. “If this is because you’re jealous, or, or–“

As soon as the word leaves him, he regrets it. His mouth snaps shut, but there’s no taking it back. She stiffens, and the silence becomes deafening. 

Connie pulls her hand away from his, and he swallows back the wave of anxiety-ridden nausea building. Everything feels too overwhelming. Too loud. 

He’d rather have stayed home. 

“Jealous.” If she was cold before, she’s completely ice now. “You’re kidding. I’m just telling you the truth, and you’re accusing me of being jealous?”

He has no rebuttal, and his silence is easily the most damning response of all. Connie scowls.

“Jealous of what, anyway? A gem you _claim_ is only your friend?”

His heartbeat is going haywire. Steven feels like he may really be sick, and a wave of anger is beginning to rise up, too. It’s petty, likely a result of his stress, and he knows he shouldn’t feed into it, he _knows_.

He knows, and yet he still snaps, “What are you trying to say?”

“You know exactly what I’m trying to say.”

“This– this isn’t helping me think you’re any less jealous.” His tone comes out as every negative emotion he’s feeling. Annoyed, defensive, cowardly. 

This is unlike him. Even he knows that. His pride doesn’t let him take the words back, or even attempt an apology. His self-loathing simmers.

All at once, the irritation seems to drain out of Connie. She just looks disappointed.

“I think it’d be better if you didn’t stay here.” She says evenly. She’s not looking at him anymore. 

She rises from the couch, and stiffly, he does the same. She’s not moving yet, like maybe, just maybe, she’s hoping he’ll try to ease her worries with an apology, or at least an explanation. 

There’s nothing he can think to say that’ll take it back, so he doesn’t try. He’s not so sure he wants to anymore. He’s overreacting and he knows it, but she is, too. Especially concerning Spinel. The gem isn’t dangerous. She...she just didn’t know certain things, that’s all. He’d teach her, and then it would all be okay.

He gets a phantom feeling of hands at his throat, pinning him to the bed, keeping him submissive. A grinning mouth pressing against him, his struggling body, over and over. 

He swallows. 

“...Fine.” Steven responds just before his throat tightens. Connie wasn’t getting it. So what more could be said?

He’s out the door without another word.

It just _had_ to be raining. 

He’s sopping wet by the time his house looms in the distance, hair plastered to his forehead. His jacket is nothing more than something for water to soak into at this point.

He opens the door and steps inside, water-logged sneakers squeaking against the floor. The gems don’t seem to be home, and he’s thankful for that little bit of mercy the universe decides to give him. 

He stands in place. Staring blankly, watching the way water steadily drips off of his clothes and on to the ground, gets old pretty fast. He sighs.

Steven’s barely beginning to shrug out of his jacket before something– someone– tackles him from behind, scaring the absolute _life_ out of him. 

He struggles frantically, until...

“You’re back!” A familiar voice squeals. 

“Wh– Spinel?” Despite everything, relief floods his system, and he relaxes into her hold. Better her than...a thief, or a murderer, or some other random gem tyrant who still had a bone to pick with him. 

“Who else, silly?” She’s the one to back away from the hug, surprisingly enough. She smiles at him, and it’s so sincere that he’s taken aback. “Where’d you go, anyway? No one would tell me _anything_.”

Slight change of tone at the end. Bitter, almost. Definitely closer to the Spinel he’d expected to come home to, but none of that irritation seems to be directed toward him, but to the gems.

It’s baffling. 

“J-just..” _Please don’t say the wrong thing, please don’t say the wrong thing, pleas_– “Out. For a little while.”

_Dang it, Universe._

Spinel doesn’t even bat an eye. “Oh. Okay!”

Ever the paranoid person, he looks at her a second too long, trying to spot any obvious signs of annoyance, or anger. There are none to be found, and he doesn’t know whether to be relieved or _more_ worried.

“You’re, uh, not mad?” He blurts out without thinking. Spinel cocks her head, blinks.

“Why would I be?”

“I mean...I left, and I didn’t tell you first, and you don’t like being alone, and–“ He’s blabbering now, nerves and guilt and exhaustion piling up. Threatening to consume him. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

Steven’s voice cracks at the end, solidifying his humiliation. Breathing is harder, and it keeps getting caught in the back of his throat, uneven and choppy. 

Spinel doesn’t say anything, but her expression softens.

When she hugs him this time, it’s careful. No sudden coil of elastic arms around him, excitedly tightening their hold. Just her stepping forward, wrapping both arms around his trembling form. Gently burying her head against his neck.

“Spinel?” He squeaks, surprised. His arms remain stiffly at his side. “Why’re you…”

She rubs his back. Instead of the gesture unnerving him, he has to stop himself from leaning into it. 

“You looked like you needed a hug.” She says simply, like that was that. Her breath fans against him, warming his chilled skin. “So I gave you one. Got a problem with that, buster?”

The bit of humor at the end is just unexpected enough to get a laugh out of him. He’s suddenly giggling like an idiot, and then she is, too, her open-mouthed smile pressing against his throat. 

“No, I guess I don’t.” He finally returns the hug. Once his arms circle her, she makes a sound of delight. Squeezes him tighter.

“Yay!”

Everything is still wrong. Nothing’s okay, or resolved, not even slightly. Spinel still doesn’t know a thing about boundaries, and Connie is still angry. He’s still so tired.

Steven tells himself that he’ll worry about it later.

“...you’re really not mad that I left without telling you?” It comes out hesitant. He’s still unsure.

“Nope.” Spinel states, matter-of-fact. She pulls back. The front of her outfit is wet, a product of hugging him for as long as she did, but she doesn’t seem to notice. Or, if she did, she just didn’t care. “I mean…”

She beams at him. His heart stutters in his chest.

“I knew _you_ wouldn’t leave me behind.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the unhealthy, codependent train continues! choo choo!!! i'd also like to thank AO3 user hananiangniang, both for helping lessen my awful grammar, AND for putting up with my _take ten days to write one chapter_ lookin ass. thank you, friend! 
> 
> i hope you guys enjoyed!


	8. and then she smiled

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back! and totally egregiously late! :') i'm so sorry for the wait, i hope the chapter makes up for it!
> 
> once again, my friend drew ANOTHER incredible comic, based on the ending scene of chapter 7 this time! i can't thank him enough! check the comic out [HERE](https://twitter.com/IOnlyLoveFanta1/status/1187737340187332608)

Steven awakens with an ache pulsing through his head, reverberating through his body. He’s sluggish, and his throat _hurts_. It’d felt a bit scratchy the previous day, and walking through the rain...probably didn’t help things.

It’s not just that. The grogginess, the ache that seems to go through his very bones. He knows this feeling well enough, even if it has been a good, extended while since he’s been unfortunate enough to deal with it.

_A cold. Great._

He wiggles, letting out an aborted grunt when something– someone-- holds on to him tighter, a weight against him that is as familiar as it is frustrating. A knee wedges between his thighs, a head burying itself deeper against his chest. 

He’s too warm. He swallows, making a disgusted face at the tacky feeling at the back of his throat, a dryness that makes it difficult to breathe. 

It’s too much. 

“Spinel,” He manages to get out. Even _that_ is somewhat of a struggle. “Spinel, you’ve gotta…”

“Yeah, friendo?” Spinel responds, and she sounds wide-awake. It’s odd, but not enough that Steven’s fog-addled brain bothers thinking on it.

“Get…” _Off of me_. “Scoot to the other side of the bed. Please.”

Sick or not, he knows better than to say something that could be misconstrued as cruel so easily. Watching his words holds priority.

“Okay!” Spinel chirps, just like that, and then rolls off of him. Doesn’t even bother asking for an explanation. She turns on her side to face him, already smiling, cheek propped up by her hand. “You sure slept a long time.”

Steven swallows back the dryness in his throat, gingerly sitting up. Spinel clambers to do the same. “How long?”

“6 hours and 34 minutes.” Spinel says, near-automatic, and he really, really doesn’t want to think of the implications of her knowing the flow of time so clearly. Also, six hours isn’t very long. “And about 17 seconds!”

“Thank yo–“ He interrupts himself with a sudden cough.

One cough turns into two, and then three, and four. By the end, he’s groaning like a child. Once he gets finished rubbing at his red-rimmed eyes, he sees Spinel’s look of fascination.

“What’s wrong with your body?” She asks, so unintentionally blunt that he actually chuckles. It’s weak, and barely-audible, but still. “And your voice? It’s all...all quiet. And gravel-y. Did ya swallow rocks?”

“No, no,” he says, a small smile lingering. “I just have a cold, s’all. It’s what I get for walking home in the rain last night.”

“Oh, I see!” Spinel says brightly, and then, “Hey, Steven?”

“Yeah?”

“What’s a cold?”

Ah. Well, he can’t say he’s shocked. Steven feels drowsy, so much so that he considers laying back down, but that would only make his breathing come less easy. He settles with slouching over a bit, willing himself to speak. 

“It’s...well, it’s being sick.” That answers nothing, so he continues, “It’s a human thing. Makes you feel tired, and achey, and like...bad.”

One day, he’s gonna get better at explaining things. One day, just not today.

“Bad? You feel bad?” Spinel is back on him quicker than his droopy-lidded eyes can follow, her arms wrapping around him three-fold as she bounds into his lap. His vision swims with pink, blurry, barely managing to make out her concerned expression.“That’s bad! That’s real bad! What can I do to help? Huh, huh?”

He hisses through clenched teeth, grimacing at the way her extra weight only worsens the aching pain of his body. “Spinel, please–“

Desperately, maybe enthusiastically, her hands find his face. Grip his cheeks. They’re nose to nose now. “Yes? Anything!”

“Please,” He repeats, labored. “Get off me…”

Silence. Steven only realizes his mistake when she _visibly_ deflates. He’s almost surprised that no actual sad, deflating balloon sound accompanies it. 

“Get...off of you?” She says quietly, her fingers going slack against his cheeks, before pulling away entirely to fall into her lap. “You don’t want me touching you?”

“No, I–“

“You hate it when I touch you?” Oh no.

“No!” His voice cracks, unused to the sudden volume. He dials it down. “I don’t hate it, Spinel. Okay?”

She looks up at him through her lashes, hands fidgety, “You don’t?”

“I don’t.” He tries for a smile. She returns it, even if it is a bit shaky.

“So...” She returns his gaze, and he fully realizes for the first time that she’s in his lap. They’re _close_. She’s not completely herself yet, but she’s getting there, if the arms returning around his neck say anything. “You like it when I touch you?”

His face immediately goes several shades pinker, and he coughs. Steven’s unsure if it’s from the pure shock of that question, or just because he’s sick. “_What_?”

“You like it, right?” She asks again, some neediness entering in, and he remembers that he needs to know that she means it innocently. 

She’s a gem, so of course she’s not gonna know how to phrase certain things. Right? He should be ashamed for even letting his mind question it.

“Yes, I…” _Innocent, Steven. Remember_. “I-I like it when you touch me.”

They look at one another. Steven, red-faced and embarrassed, and Spinel, eyes a touch wider. 

She smiles suddenly, and looks almost flattered. Relief floods through his system. He resists a sigh. Managing these things is harder when he barely has the energy to think.

“I thought so!” She giggles, rocking against him childishly, and _that did not help his pain, nor his sanity_. “I like touching you too.”

“Thank you,” he says weakly, pulling at his collar. “But as much as I, uh, love it– it’s not so good when I’m sick. It kinda hurts.”

Spinel blinks, and no more than a second later, she’s scrambling backward like her life depends on it. He nearly reaches for her, out of reflex, or some other instinct he doesn’t want to acknowledge developing– but she’s already at the end of the bed, looking the picture of a sad puppy.

“I–I hurt you?” she asks, crestfallen. “I did, didn’t I? Oh, gosh, I did! I’m sorry! I’m real sorry!”

She’s already starting to clench her fists into his blanket, and her foot taps rapidly against the bed. A sign of anxiety, or perhaps being overwhelmed. 

“No– well, yes, b-but no!” He says, inwardly wincing the longer he continues to make things exponentially worse just by speaking. “I’ll be fine. It didn’t even really hurt!”

“Yes it did.” Spinel sniffles, and wow, that is not a good sign. “I…”

She stops mid-sentence. Her eyes brighten, and she grins, blinding and happy, and while it makes his chest feel lighter, it is also probably not a good sign.

“I just got the greatest idea!” She crawls towards him, hands and knees braces against the blanket– before stopping just before she’d be touching him, a look of dumb realization flashing across her face. “Oh. Almost went and pounced on ya again! My bad.” 

“It’s okay?” Steven is so confused. Sick or not, he has no clue what’s happening anymore.

“Your hand, if you’d please, doll.” Spinel grins, sitting back on her haunches. She holds out her own hand expectantly. He doesn’t think to resist, or even hesitate, so he wastes no time in obeying. 

It’s just because of the cold dulling his sense of danger. Or something.

She’s gentle now, taking great care in turning his hand over. Almost as if she’s inspecting it. She leans down, and he literally _twitches_ when her lips make contact with the underside of his wrist in a kiss. Right near his pulse point, which is going into hyperdrive now.

Immediately, his mind is overflowing with things he’d previously forced himself not to think about– Spinel’s mouth, forced against his face, his body, his _gem_, over and over and over again. 

It’s nothing like that. She’s barely doing anything, really, besides being perfectly still, her eyes closed. Her mouth feels cool against his heated skin. It shouldn’t be so overwhelming, but it still makes him skittish. So much so that he begins to tremble, wrought with nerves. 

Steven fears, most of all, that the reason he’s so hot all over, and the way his breathing is coming faster– isn’t solely from terror. Shame looms in the back of his thoughts. Grows ever closer.

It all mixes terribly with the headache pounding against his senses, and he feels like he may be sick.

Spinel finally pulls away. Her eyes open. She’s already smiling, seeming smug, and she gives him a once-over. Whatever she sees, whether it be the dark bags under his eyes, or his pallid complexion, isn’t what she seems to be expecting. 

She frowns, “You don’t look any better...did I do it wrong?”

“Huh?” Steven's voice sounds even weaker than before.

“I kissed you, but you still look sick!” 

He’s confused for all of five seconds, before it comes to him, and oh. She...she thought she could do what he does, the whole _healing kiss_ thing. That’s, uh.

_Totally not cute! It’s not at all cute, or endearing, or thoughtful, or_…

“Spinel, I, um,” He thinks he forgot how to form words. “I–I’m... the only person who can heal people with kissing.”

Awkward silence. She slumps forward, her pigtails drooping. He hears her sigh. 

“I’m a lousy best friend, huh.” Spinel says quietly, or perhaps sadly. “A lousy best friend who can’t help her pal feel better.”

“Spinel, no, you–“ he tries, and Spinel’s head doesn’t even raise. Very quickly, he comes to the conclusion that arguing wasn’t going to gain favor for either of them. A second plan comes, as quick as it is unexpected. 

“How about you help nurse me back to health?” 

Spinel raises her head, if just barely. 

“What?” She mumbles. He can practically hear the pout in her voice.

“You heard me,” he grins, and it’s about the most confident he’s able to look whilst being as sick as he is. “I’ll teach you how to do everything, but you’ll be the one making me feel better! It’s just like healing me, only slightly different.”

_That_ gets her to finally look at him. Her expression is cautiously hopeful, and she brightens up considerably when she sees how serious he is. It’s...gosh, it’s cute, okay? He can admit it, if only to his inner thoughts. His very ashamed inner thoughts.

“Really?” She asks, smile timid. “Really, really? You don’t mind?”

“I don’t mind,” he returns the smile, his own lopsided. “In fact, I want you to.”

She blinks rapidly, as if holding back tears, her smile freezing– and then she leaps forward and _tackles_ him in what is perhaps the most uncomfortable, unexpected, and yet heartwarming hug of his life.

“I love you!” Spinel wails into his chest, rubbing her face against the front of his pajamas. “I love you, I love you, I love you–“

“I– I love you too, but,” he wheezes, too distracted with how much pain he's in to get properly flustered. “This still kinda hurts, Spinel…”

“_I love youuuu_–“ his pleas fall on deaf ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> steven is sick, and also very sickened by his own inner monologue :D (ty to the spineven discord for assuring me he can indeed get sick lmao) I can't believe this nearly at 400 kudos, it's INSANE!!! i can't thank you all enough! 💖

**Author's Note:**

> i definitely plan on continuing this. Dunno how far, but i hope you enjoy reading this self-indulgent crap!


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